Bi Curious Senior Man's Story

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The thing is, I’m 62 years old and I still don’t “know” what I am. For the first 27 years of my life I thought of nothing but girls; if someone had suggested having sex with a male…I would have puked. My first girlfriend was in the third grade. By the sixth grade I had fallen madly in love with a girl named Betty; I can’t begin to explain the intensity of those feelings, it bordered on pain. That relationship fell apart in the seventh grade and I didn’t have another girl friend until my junior year. This time I fell for a girl who was involved with a guy on active duty in the Army. I was crazy in love with Melva and spent a lot of time with her, but I refused to ‘step over the line’ as long as she was steady with the other guy. Eventually, I ended up leaving for Viet Nam and she ended up marrying her boyfriend. While overseas I met an Oriental girl in, what I would call, a Bali Hai experience. It was incredible, wonderful, intense, romantic, and surreal; I was completely smitten! I used to, jokingly, tell people that I was so in love with her they could place her at the North end of Viet Nam, me at the South, and I would go through anything that got in my way to get to her and the war would be ov! er. We married, had years of amazing sex, and two wonderful children. Up to the time I was 27 years old the idea of having sex with another man didn’t enter my mind for a fleeting second.

Then it happened. One day when I was 27 I was working with a male co-worker. We were the same age and both Viet Nam veterans and had become friends in and out of the workplace. We were in a place where it was relatively quite and out of earshot of other workers when he started to complain about his wife. He said that it was a constant battle to get her to have sex with him; he was really angry and frustrated about it. He said that he was so sick of having to pled with her that he had actually began to enjoy masturbation more and had given up on her. Never-the-less, he said, he had all this pent up sexual desire that he was being deprived from releasing. All the sudden it was like I had been hit by an invisible Mack Truck; I had to force myself to breath, my whole body started shaking, and I had to fight to keep my composure. Seemingly out of nowhere I was hit with an overwhelming desire to have sex with that guy. I wanted to take him into my mouth and swallow his years of sexual deprivation in one gulp! I’m sure my face was bright red and I was (literally) biting my tongue to keep from saying something I might regret for a long time. I made it through that incident, but it was followed by months of confusion and depression; I felt like I was going to disintegrate into a billion tiny particles at any moment. I didn’t know where the completely unexpected homosexual feelings came from and I couldn’t shake them. At one point I was laying in bed looking at a revolver that was six feet away from me…I was seriously going to take my own life; but I could look down the hall and see my wife standing there and that saved me.

It wasn’t more than a couple of days later when I was at work standing on a receiving dock and a fellow walked up and asked me how I was doing; he said I looked horrible. ! I told h im I was horrible, but it wasn’t anything I was going to talk to him about. He said that was alright; he would just pray for me. Although I’m not religious now, the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. For the next several years I was able to place the ’gay’ feelings on the far back burner and got back to a considerably less frustrated ‘normal’ life with God and family. My sexual relationship with my wife became intense again and everything seemed great.

For the next 15 years things stayed about the same; then my marriage started to unravel. I’ve thought about it a lot and I really don’t believe the marriage problems had anything to do with my (former) gay feelings. I really hadn’t thought any more about sex with men after the Christian rebirth incident. But, as my marriage problems increased the old feelings started to resurface. I had had a married friend for years who was exceptionally bright, handsome, and open minded. We began to talk a lot about sex and eventually started joking about man on man sex. That intensified until we finally agreed to meet and experiment. We eventually did get together and engaged in kissing, touching, masturbating, oral and anal sex. We met a couple of times, but we were both so nervous and afraid (mostly because we were both married) that afterward’s it seemed as though it never really happened; it was devoid of the emotional freedom needed to make it a full and rewarding experience.

I ended up getting divorced and he’s still married. He won’t talk about our experience except to say that he ISN’T gay. After my divorce was final I married another woman; that lasted a year. During that year, again, I really don’t recall thinking about gay sex. When I divorced the second time the old feelings returned and I decided to ’try’ to find another man who had the same desires and (lack of) experience as me. I finally found a fellow, we had sex a few times, but there was no chemistry at all (not to mention that ! I’m st ill frightened to death of being found out).

Now, I’m back in a serious relationship with a woman and have made a pretty stable and happy existence for myself; something I don’t want to stupidly give up. But inside my head, here I am again, dying for what I can’t seem to have.

I guess I’d call myself bi-sexual, and to me it seems to be the most frustrating predicament to be in of all. For that first three decades of my life I loved women’s bodies and vagina’s and had zero attraction to men’s bodies. Then I had that experience when I was 27 years old and still loved women’s bodies but also began to love men’s penises. Now, I still love women’s bodies, don’t like men’s bodies except the penis, but I’m consumed with having sex with a man. How crazy is that?

A.