Coming Out to Friends, Family and at Work

Phases 3, 4 and 5 of Coming Out

The order in which you come out to family and friends (or at work) will depend upon a lot of factors that are particular to you. For example, my family keeps no secrets--tell one, you've told them all. On balance, my family is socially conservative. Those two factors kept me from coming out to my family until I had already come out to nearly all of my friends. In my case, I came out last in my workplace (a private university). You may find yourself in a very different situation. Indeed, many of my gay friends came out first to siblings.

I urge you to visualize scenarios that answer these two questions prior to coming out to the first person to whom you feel emotionally connected: 1) What's the best thing that can happen when you come out to this person? 2) What's the worst thing that can happen? The reality will probably be somewhere between those two extremes, but there is never a guarantee.

Practice, Continued: 

Continuing with the theme of "practice," addressed in the second phase of coming out, most of us choose to come out first to the friend or the family member from whom we expect the most acceptance. On the whole, that is a good idea, but it usually means that we're slightly disappointed with the reaction that we receive, because it often falls a bit short of our inflated expectations.

I came out first to a long-time friend who had come out to me (and the rest of his social circle) about five years after we had initially become friends. I expected him to be very welcoming. He said that he would support me in my growth, but he was also a bit perturbed that it had taken me so long to come to terms with myself. Overall, it was a good experience (as have been all of my experiences with my family and pre-existing friends), but it didn't measure up to what I had envisioned as "the best thing that can happen."

Coming Out to Friends and Family: 

Let me share one other incorrect assumption. I figured that, as I started to come out to my friends, the earth-shattering news would rapidly spread. In fact, my friends all seemed to assume that it was my right (perhaps, my duty) to spread the word. I don't know of one friend who told anyone else--except for telling a spouse. I eventually learned to tell the people that I did not consider my sexual orientation a secret. Even then, the news didn't spread very far very fast. In my circle of friends (who tend to be socially liberal), it was greeted more with a "ho-hum" than a "guess what I found out!" News is only news for a little while.

Disclaimer: While I lost no friends by coming out, on several subsequent occasions, I have met people who chose not to develop a friendship with me because I am gay. I figure it's their loss!

As you come out to your heterosexual loved ones, keep in mind that they probably won't internalize the message as quickly as you want them to. You have taken time to adjust to the idea that you are gay (or bisexual). Allow them time as well.

Don't let me sugar coat this phase too much for you. A lot of gay men have faced rejection when they have come out to some of their friends or even their family members. That can be traumatic. On the other hand, remember that a good relationship can't exist without openness. My relationships with my friends and my family grew stronger after I was open and honest with them. And my case is definitely not unique.

Coming Out at Work: 

Only about one third of U.S. states include sexual orientation as part of their prohibition against discrimination in the workplace. Consequently, an employer in those states might be able, legally, to fire you because you are gay or bisexual. Even in states where our rights are protected, sometimes certain types of employers are allowed to discriminate (for example, religious organizations). You should be aware of your legal rights in your own jurisdiction prior to any decision about coming out in your place of employment.

I am able to be out in all circumstances, which is a wonderfully liberating situation. The kind of work environment often determines, unfortunately, whether it is advisable for someone to come out. Unlike most western nations, the U.S. actually makes it illegal for a gay man or woman serving in the military to come out. On the other hand, most professions in the various fine arts and performing arts do not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation.

Unless you have been out at work (or school), you may wonder why it would even be important. I've nearly always worked in a university setting (I'm a professor). Once I was out, I was able to display an appropriate photo of my partner on my desk in the same way that my straight colleagues had pictures of their spouses or significant others. I was able to talk casually about my social life without having to worry about whether I should substitute the word "her" for "him." In other words, I was able to be who I really was.

I know out gay men in practically any profession you can name--construction, clerical, attorneys, physicians, other professors, students, nurses, teachers, librarians, television producers, news anchors, actors and, yes, even professional athletes. Some believe that their careers have suffered because of their sexual orientation. Most believe that it has made no difference.

I hope that you will consider working with others toward making discrimination in employment based upon sexual orientation illegal. Then everyone will have an opportunity to find the same comfort in themselves at work that I--and many others--have found.