Gay Stereotypes of Straight Men

Gay men hold many stereotypes of straight men.  Here are some of the common questions.  They reveal some of the misperceptions and generalizations pertaining to heterosexual males.

Is it true that some men choose to be straight?

This is a common myth, but ask yourself this question, “Would a rational man actually choose to be that way?”  Clearly, the answer is self-evident. 

No man chooses to be straight.  They are born that way.  (Note: While the subject of much research, the straight gene has never been isolated, although theories insist it must be there somewhere.)  Despite well intentioned efforts, you will not be able to change them.  Sure, some may be able to pretend to live a gay lifestyle for short periods–dressing well, showering regularly, getting a haircut, but eventually nearly all drift back to their former ways, secretly at first and then openly flaunting their lifestyle by publicly holding hands with women or worse.

Do straight men actually think about sex an average of eleven times every minute?

Some social scientific reasearch supports this claim.  However, we must remember that what straight guys classify as sex is somewhat different from most of us.  Straight guys almost never think about what we would think of as sex. 

Do straight fundamentalist preachers all hate gay men and lesbians?

This stereotype must be addressed on two levels.  First, there are almost no straight fundamentalist preachers.  Most of them are self-hating, closeted, repressed homosexuals who did not eat balanced breakfasts when they were young.

Second, you must realize that fundamentalist ministers are willing to express hatred for anything when that hatred encourages donations by members of their flock.  Gays are just one of many things that they pretend to hate.  They also claim to hate the U.S. tax system, even though that tax system irrationally allows them to have lavish lifestyles living in the parish mansion (not taxed), driving the church’s car and travelling to religious conventions thanks to the tax subsidized donations that they receive.

Is it true that straight men can recognize other straight men?

No.  If you want proof of this, notice how close straight men stand to the urinals in public restrooms, even when their presumably straight friend is the only other person at the line of porcelain receptacles.  Do you really think that they want their own urine splashed all over their pants?

Are all straight men child molesters?

No.  This commonly held, hurtful stereotype is a perversion of legitimate statistics.

Yes, straight men are the demographic group that is most inclined to molest children.  However, the percentage of actual child abusers among the straight population is not believed to be a majority.  It is also true that straight men are more likely than any other group to commit rape, but that too falls short of a majority of straight men.

No reliable statistics exist about the actual number of straight men who fantasize about molesting children or commiting rape, but it is believed to be very high. 

I am the gay co-father of a twelve year old girl.  Should I worry that my straight neighbor likes to find reasons to talk to her when she is using our backyard pool.

Yes.

Why are all professional athletes straight?

I am tempted to say that is just a phase, and they will grow out of it.  The truth, however, is much more complex.  Many professional athletes pretend to be straight because they can make more money on endorsements of domestic beer by doing so.  I can personally attest that not all professional athletes are straight.  The sad truth is though that most are.  (Actually, once you get to know some of them, you will discover that it’s just as well that they are heterosexual.)

Why do straight men participating in amateur sports pat each other on the butt so often when they catch a long pass or hit a home run?

It’s about the only fun they have, and they have never been taught how to properly hug each other.

Do straight men know how to have a conversation about anything other than sports?

Yes.  They can also talk endlessly about large breasts.

Is it true that straight people only have sex for purposes of procreation?

Fortunately not.  If that myth were true, the population of the United States would be approximately 7 billion people.  Only gay people are told that sex exists only for procreation.

Are the penises of straight men smaller than those of gay men?

There are actually some studies that suggest this is true, however I have been unable to obtain a sufficient sample of straight volunteers for me to confirm the findings of those earlier studies.

On this subject, there are two pieces of good news for the straight men.  First, their girlfriends and wives only have other straight men to compare.  Second, straight men are able to keep their egos in check, because straight girls are taught at an early age to say, “It doesn’t matter how big it is; it’s what you do with it that counts.” 

Are straight men more or less likely to be circumsized when compared to gay men?

I have no idea.  Why does this matter?

My brother is straight.  How can I help him adjust to his sexual identity?

Just tell him you love him anyway.  Oh, and fix him up with your richest female friend or the one with the largest breasts.  That will help him forget his problems and let him know that you fully accept him.  By the way, you should let him tell your parents in his own time and in his own words.

Why are good looking straight men always flirting with me in bars?

They don’t have enough money to pay for their own drinks.

Why are ugly, fat straight men always flirting with me in bars?

They a hoping that you are as desparate as they are.  Try to get them to pay for a couple drinks before you let them know that you are not that desparate.  That will help compensate you for all those drinks you’re buying for the straight hunks.

Given the high divorce rate and the even higher level of promiscuity, does permitting heterosexuals to marry undermine the sacred institution of marriage.

While a strong argument can be made against heterosexual marriage, we can’t violate the human rights of the few loyal, hardworking straights just because of the actions of the majority. 

Is it true that Hurrican Katrina was caused by God as punishment for heterosexual fornication?

No.  Hurricane Katrina was caused by Rush Limbaugh.

Well, then, was Rush Limbaugh sent by God as punishment for heterosexual fornication?

I do not discuss theological issues on this website.

I’m afraid that is all the time I have for smashing the bigoted, stereotypes applied to straight men for now.  If you have questions about something that you have heard about heterosexuals, you may submit them on our “share with the gay community” form.