Rewards and Pitfalls of Coming Out

My coming out process was rather easy.  I didn't suffer from any meaningful homophobia.  Even for me, though, there were some unexpected pitfalls.  Some gay men have a much more difficult time with coming out, but most of us enthusiastically agree that our decision to be open about our identity has been a good one.

Some Rewards:

• On a societal level, the greatest benefit of coming out is that it results in an overall reduction of homophobia and heterosexism.  The key variable in people's level of prejudice against gays and bisexuals is whether they know queer people.
• For me the biggest benefit was that I didn't have to censor my speech anymore.  I don't have to refrain from telling friends or family about a date for example, because I don't have to worry about revealing his gender.
• Many of us become more open about everything.  In the past we may have had fears that we would accidentally reveal too much.  Not hiding is a very liberating experience!
• When we're out, we have an opportunity to develop a positive self concept, because we come to accept ourselves more.
• If you have had to put up with your aunt trying to fix you up with her best friend's daughter, you will no longer have to worry about that.  On the other hand, she may try to arrange a date with her best friend's son!
• It is actually easier to form meaningful friendships with women, because there is no longer any suspicion that you're hiding a sexual agenda.  (It puts the significant others of those women at ease, too.)

Some Pitfalls:

• The sense of liberation can be overwhelming.  We may find ourselves so focussed upon our newly revealed identity that it becomes difficult to focus on anything else.  I've seen this happen with some of my college students, who suddenly want all of their academic papers to have some gay angle, or who abandon their work in order to spend more time planning their outfit for the Pride Parade.
• Sometimes we are rejected by bigots who are members of our family or who had been our friends.  Rejection is painful.  While it is easy to say that it's their problem and not ours (and it  is), it still hurts, even if we try not to show it.  This can be a particularly daunting problem for adolescents or others who have not reached a level of full maturity.
• Some gay men and women are assaulted by homophobes--sometimes within their own families.
• I was surprised by some ostensibly heterosexual, coupled men trying to seduce me (or asking me to seduce them).  That is definitely not a fantasy come true; it is very unsettling.  Closet cases seemed to come out of the woodwork, to employ the cliche'.

While the pitfalls can be dangerous, the rewards make it all worthwhile for most of us adult gay men.  (I strongly urge minors to seek trusted counsel before taking action to come out.  Perhaps a school advisor or teacher is a good place to begin, or an older gay relative or trusted gay friend of the family.)