Married Man Is Gay
Editor’s Note: This is a true experience story from one of our readers. It is partly about
self-discovery, partly about self-acceptance and partly about hope for the future. I have placed this story
in the “coming out” section of the site because all of those are parts of any coming out process.
I hope you will pass a link to this page to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, especially
gay or bisexual men in their “mature” years.
This came to me as an email letter, initially in response to one of the erotic fiction pieces that I have
published on the Nifty archive. I leave it unedited.
Greg, this story has definitely touched a nerve with me. First, it is very well-written. As a literary editor, I find myself checking such details as I read, and I also serve
as an editor/proof reader for a number writers on the Nifty site. Second, it brings back memories of my own
personal experiences with teen friends so many years ago – I am now well-beyond those years, but I never came
out. Instead, I remained in the closet until June 2010, this year. I had three years earlier been forced to
come out to her when she found an email that I had not remembered printing out. For the past three years I
have been in pastoral counseling, primarily at the insistence of my wife, which proved to be a
blessing for me, though she thought that the counselor would “cure” me. I am, or was, a church musician –
organist, pianist, director – depending on the need. She also thinks that I only have to ask God to change
me, and He will. Hell, I’ve been asking Him to do that since age 12. I’m now 73, though friends and
acquaintances say I look and act more like 55. I’m blessed with good health and lots of energy, and a strong
sex drive. It just couldn’t get channeled to sex with my wife. After 3 years of counseling, I finally decided
that the time had come: I either had to come out, or spend my remaining years, however long that might be, as
a very miserable man. Therefore, I came out to my pastor on June 4, but learned that my wife had told him a
year earlier, and that he had been observing me to see if I did anything “wrong.” I had considered him a dear
friend, and was even responsible for the position he now holds, having recommended him for the position
through my position on the pulpit selection committee. Anyway, he said that my last Sunday would be June 6; I
had earlier told him that I was resigning on June 30, but he wouldn’t accept that now; he wanted me out
before the church learned of the fact. However, who would know, unless he told them? But no matter, I decided
it was now or never. I told my wife that I was filing for divorce, which took her by surprise, but she
shouldn’t have been. I have 3 adult children, and 8 grandchildren, and the youngest child – daughter, and her
husband, along with my wife, “ganged up” on me the following Monday, telling me that I had a wrong choice,
and should either repent or go to hell. Meanwhile, over the 3-year period, I have gathered a pretty good
library of books about Christianity and homosexuality, so I made an effort to refute their claims. But it’s
difficult to get through years of wrong thinking and information, so I just made my plans to move out, and
live with a friend who knew of my orientation (he’s gay, but single, and we are not attracted to each other),
and offered me a place to live until I could make other plans, or until the divorce is final.
During my counseling, I have often expressed my concern at ever having the opportunity to find a
because of my age, though my counselor has repeatedly dismissed
my concern. Since 2005, I have been frequenting gay literary sites, and gradually learned of porn sites,
and learned more than I ever knew about male2male sex. Also, after volunteering to help several writers
with the literary portion of their stories, I have also learned a great deal. I have known for most of my
life that I really desire a male partner, but having grown up in the south, in a Southern Baptist
atmosphere – a most homophobic group – I knew that it was not possible, unless I wanted to be shunned
forever, or worse, to live any sort of life short of marriage, kids, etc., and I have done that. I have 4
graduate degrees in various fields, I have provided for my wife and 3 children, and now help with
grandchildren, but I have never loved anyone like I love a young man, age 32, whom I met through editing
one of the stories for a friend. I am still reeling with the loss of his love and planned partnership,
when he decided to move in with a high school friend from 15 years ago, who said he loved him, and had
returned for him, giving little explanation for a 15-year absence. But that’s another matter with which I
am now dealing. Meanwhile, a friend in Florida
, knowing of my situation and frustration, directed me to a site called
. Hesitantly, I visited the site, and was amazed at the
response I have received! My roommate says I am like a kid in a candy shop, and he’s probably right, LOL!
Already, I have met some great guys who are interested in older men, some closer to my age, but most are
much younger. I met a guy last week, who lives in an area in which I had served as a church musician
years ago, and we were instantly attracted to each other, so much so, that he invited me to visit him the
next day and spend the night. Acting spontaneously, I did just that, and now I’m waiting to see if we
will have a continuing relationship. He is age 35, but just lost his 73-yo partner of 3 years back in
March. He is now getting back into the dating scene. The 24 hours with him was wonderful, and I’m holding
my breath, so to speak, hoping that this will lead to a relationship with him for the rest of my life
, however long that may be. I suppose I’m blessed with good
genes, which contribute to more youthful looks, and energy, plus a gift from God with good health.
I never expected to be even this happy, especially at this stage of my life, but I’m hoping and praying that I
will find, and perhaps have found, true love at last. Friends say I should have done this years ago, but to do
so would have meant the loss of career and income, and I would not have been able to provide for my family.
Still, I could have done this in 2004, when I retired from my literary position, to return to the local church
music ministry. Yet, I remained in the closet, until my wife forced me out of the closet. In hindsight, though
it is still very difficult to think of facing life with the loss of family and friend, I probably should have
taken action much sooner. Regardless, I am now facing divorce, and all that entails, but excited about the
possibility of a new life with a loving male partner.
Your story is so very heart-warming, and I look forward to the next chapter, and I want to know more about this
site to which I’m writing. I have an idea that it will be helpful to even a man of my age, and I thank you in
advance for that.
Bless you for what you are doing to help gay and lesbian persons find love and acceptance.
Hugs and best wishes,